Friday, October 27, 2006

Falsely Neutralized

Every once in a while I find a new book, train of thought, or belief that causes me to step outside of myself and think about things other than leavening ratios or triple cream cheeses. So, with that, I give you my latest tangent:

David Deida, an emotional and spiritual genius in my opinion, has it all figured out with why relationships have a hard time working out. Our foundations are flawed, and we try to force the unnatural, the unauthentic parts of ourselves out into the world, and into our most intimate encounters.

See, it has just dawned on me like a bolt of lightening (is that an oxymoron?), that I’m falsely neutralized. What the hell does that mean? Well, Deida states that men and women are made of both a masculine and feminine sexual essence, and a masculine and feminine sexual energy. Here’s how he explains it:

“Sexual fulfillment in intimacy is not based on neutrality, but on the attractive differences, playful opposition, and pleasurable non-equivalence of the Masculine and Feminine gifts, anatomical as well as emotional. And this is a key to why the modern ideal of an intimate relationship can be so dissatisfying. In a modern relationship, in which equivalence between men and women is often emphasized, we may never receive the full gifts of Masculine or Feminine loving that we truly desire.

In order to freely express our loving in Intimate Communion, we must be free to express our native sexual essence, whether our essence is Neutral, Masculine, or Feminine.

Suppose you are a woman whose sexual essence is naturally more Feminine. You will lose trust in your partner if you find that he is always ambivalent and undirected, waiting for you to take the lead most of the time. In this case, your partner is waiting to follow your direction, to trust and follow your Masculine sense of "mission."

"What do you want to do tonight?" you ask.

"I don't care, what do you want to do?" he answers.

If your sexual essence is actually more Feminine, you will find yourself wishing that your partner would take you into account and just make a decision. Your Feminine essence wants to feel his Masculine energy, direction, presence, and passion. You want to feel him take a stronger lead in your lives together, rather than being ambiguous and unclear.

"What do you want to do tonight?"

"How about if we go out to dinner and then go for a walk in the park?"

However, if your natural Feminine sexual essence is covered over by your own Masculine energy, then you will attract a partner who is polarized by your Masculine energy. Masculine and Feminine energies always attract their reciprocal. If you are putting out Masculine energy, you will attract a man who puts out Feminine energy. You will attract a partner who lacks strong directionality, presence, and confidence. He may be radiant and intuitive, but his life will be ambiguous and undirected, and therefore he will be attracted to your Masculine energy.

If you find that you are repeatedly disappointed that the men (or women) you attract are somewhat weak or lost, unable to completely follow through with what they start, wishy-washy, or threatened by your success, then you are probably animating more Masculine energy than is true of your natural sexual essence. Your Feminine sexual essence may be looking for a really good source of Masculine love, but the Masculine energy you are putting out is attracting men who need more Masculine in their lives, and therefore are attracted to yours. But they don't fulfill the deepest desires of your Feminine sexual essence.”

I know that sounds very “new-agey;” however, he hits the-nail-on-the-head with me. See, on the outside, I’m very strong, capable, passionate, adventurous, fun, resourceful, and creative, which describes most women of my age who are educated and career-minded. My outside energy is very masculine. My essence is feminine, my energy is masculine. What a pain in the ass.

So here’s the conundrum, in the past I have attracted men who were polarized by my diminished sexual essence--that is, a partner who also expresses relatively less Masculine energy. This means I am falsely neutralized. I have and can potentially attract partners who are also falsely neutralized, which means indecisive men. There's nothing worse than an indecisive man.

So how do I become un-neutral? Or is it that I should become positively polarized? This is too much for me to wrap my brain around right now. I think I'll go have a piece of cheese.

Tuesday, October 17, 2006

Food Voyeur

I like to bake. A lot. I used to be a chef and found out the life of a chef isn’t as glamorous as they make it out to be on t.v. In fact, it can be hard as hell. So, I got my butt back in school, have a graduate degree, and work making pretty good money in a boring office job. But I still go back to the kitchen; that’s where my heart is. In fact, I’ve been nurturing a little seed of wanting to do something with this passion of mine, but more on that later.

So I bake all kinds of wonderful goodies and bring them into work, which means my coworkers have a love-hate relationship with me. For instance, I’ll make a Chocolate Bourbon Cake with Praline Frosting, bring it into work, and stand back to watch. Mostly, I don’t eat the things I make. No way. Not that I'm weird like that, but I would be as wide as a house if I allowed myself to indulge as frequently as I like to bake. So, I watch. I’m a food voyeur. I sneak back to my cubicle with my Nutrigrain bar and a piece of fruit to watch and listen to the sugar induced feeding frenzy taking place in the office kitchen. "Oh yeah baby, tell me how much you like it! What? You want more? You say I’m the best?" I love watching people enjoy the food I prepare for them, it's addictive. And let's not even talk about food porn!

Wednesday, October 11, 2006


“I sold out,” the woman stated. “I sold out to other people’s definitions of what it meant to be successful. I adapted and adapted to people I didn’t gel with. I even started to tell myself it didn’t matter where I lived or whether or not I had friends in my life. I guess I became convinced I didn’t have a place on this planet. I forgot that little things mattered. I got further and further away from myself until I almost forgot who I was, how I felt, and what I wanted. One day, like a rubber band, I couldn’t stretch myself any further. I sprang back.”

It’s time for me to come home. I’m not talking about a place where I lived once or the home from my childhood. It’s time for me to find my way back to a solid, tangible connection with myself, if I even know how to get there in the first place. I’ve never been, or maybe it was only something that passed me a couple of times in my life, like driving by something really fast in a car. “Did you see that? What was that? Oh, well...dum-dee-dee-dum.” It’s time to shake myself out of my rut, challenge my values, stir up emotions, and show myself that maybe I was paying attention all along.

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